


Revolutions

by wizened_cynic



Series: Dress Your Family in Kevlar and Armani [13]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Advent Calendar, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Kid Fic, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-28
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 17:13:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/612249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizened_cynic/pseuds/wizened_cynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Within the last half hour, Rossi has been accused of being old and threatened with being turned into a frog and forced to kiss Morgan, and suddenly whatever argument he had with Emily earlier seems entirely insignificant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revolutions

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Prentiss/Rossi Advent Calendar. My last fic of the year!

Fighting with his wife used to be easier.

Which is probably how Rossi ended up with three divorces, but that is the truth. Just like it is the truth that fighting with Emily is harder, even with the knowledge that the fight will eventually be over and the make up sex will be amazing. Everything with Emily is harder, possibly because he loves her harder, but mostly because of the damn kid.

He once told Hotch that he might've worked harder at saving his previous marriages if there had been kids involved, and it's true. With a kid in the picture, you've got to pretend you're on good terms with Mommy even when the two of you have just had an epic argument minutes before leaving the house for Auntie Penelope's annual New Year's Eve party.

It's a good thing that Beatrice doesn't notice. Not that she isn't a perceptive child --- because she is, and she also likes to share the intimate details of her family life with random strangers at Whole Foods --- but she's self-absorbed enough to only focus on her own problems and injustices, which at the moment is why she must still sit in a booster seat.

"Why doesn't August have to sit in a booster seat?"

"Because August is a bear, honey," Emily replies.

"That's not fair. Daddy says that everyone has to follow the law and that's why I have to hold his hand when we cross the street and if Big Bird murdered someone he would still have to go to jail. And he's a bird."

Rossi feels his wife's eyes on him, and he has to protest. "Daddy did not say anything about Big Bird murdering anyone."

"Beatrice, Big Bird isn't going to murder anyone, and you need to stop talking like this at school, okay?"

"Like what?"

"Saying words like 'murder.' It's not a nice word."

"And stop telling Mr. Jonah that Daddy likes Scotch," Rossi adds, because that made for one awkward parent-teacher conference.

"But you _do_ like Scotch and you also like whiskey and you also like wine, but you don't like gin."

It's a good thing Emily decides to take the reins from here, because Rossi would've pointed out that whiskey _is_ Scotch, and his method of parenting isn't looked upon favorably by most experts. And he doesn't like gin, so there's that.

"I know Daddy likes all those things, but it's his private business and you don't need to tell your teacher everything you know."

"Can I tell Father Jimmy?" Beezus asks.

"Father Jimmy already knows I like Scotch, sweetheart," Rossi tells her, which makes Emily snort. He grins at her, forgetting for a minute that they're fighting.

"But I'm supposed to tell Father Jimmy everything because he's a priest and he has to know everything or I'll go to hell," Beezus wails, putting poor August in a chokehold.

"Beezus, you're not going to go to hell because you didn't tell Father Jimmy Daddy likes Scotch," Emily reassures her, and then grimaces. He can tell she's deciding whether or not to give Beatrice a primer on morality and religion. The only correct answer to that question is "not unless you plan to shorten your life by ten years."

Fortunately, Beezus is placated by this. "Really? Because I don't want to go to hell. It's not a very nice place."

"You're very right about that," Emily agrees. "It's not a nice place. And it's not a very nice thing to talk about, so stop it with this kind of talk in school, or you're going to get me and your dad in some real big trouble, missy."

"Why?"

Emily turns to Dave helplessly, and he almost does a fist pump. " _There_ ," he says pointedly. "This is what I have to live with every single day. This is why I have gray hair."

Beezus giggles from the backseat. "No, silly. You have gray hair because you're _old_ , Daddy."

"Thank you, Beatrice. You've just made my point."

A few minutes of blissfully welcome silence ensue before Beatrice starts her interrogation again. "Mommy, why is Kaylee gluten-free?"

"I don't know, honey. Maybe she has tummy issues which means she can't have gluten, or maybe it's just what her family chooses to do."

"She gets to eat special cookies at snack time because she's gluten-free. Dylan can't have peanut butter, and Aubrey can't have eggs, and Olivia T. doesn't eat meat and Olivia C. only eats organic because her parents are hippies."

"I _never_ said they were hippies," Rossi says defensively, but the eye roll he gets from Emily is admittedly well-deserved.

Emily clears her throat and says, "Well, Beezus, you're a lucky girl in that you don't have any food allergies, so you can eat all the things your friends can't."

"Yeah, but I don't like to eat vegetables. So if I was allergic to vegetables, I wouldn't have to eat them."

"Beatrice, do you want to listen to the Winnie the Pooh song?" Emily asks, which means even she has reached her limit for engaging in inane kindergartener conversation. "We still have a while to go before we get to Auntie Penny's."

"I _hate_ the Winnie the Pooh song," Beezus says vehemently. "We listen to it all the time. I think we should talk instead because Mr. Jonah says it's good to talk out your feelings, and I'm feeling like I really want to talk."

"Every. Single. Day," Rossi says.

It's a good thing he waited until he was fifty-four years old to be a father, because a younger David Rossi would never have had the patience to endure this daily grind. A younger David Rossi would never have been a stay-at-home dad and he would never have let go of grudges so easily. He can't even remember why he and Emily were fighting in the first place, so distracted and exhausted he is by Beezus's incessant talking. At least he and Emily always have each other's backs when it comes to the ongoing war against their child.

"Fine, then, what do you want to talk about?" Emily says, turning to smile at Beatrice with an expression that Rossi knows all too well, one that he himself makes often. She's reminding herself silently that she wanted this. _I wanted her, I wanted her so much, I wanted this, here, now, I wanted to be stuck in a car with a five-year-old who doesn't stop talking and my husband who is old and doesn't hide his feelings about Olivia C's fucking hippie parents_ and Rossi waits for the moment to click, as it always does, that this _is_ everything she wanted. This is everything he wanted, without knowing, and it's true that when the Lord gives the Lord gives in spades.

It's also true that the Lord only gives a person as much as he can handle, and apparently Beatrice is all they can handle.

"Let's talk about revolutions," Beezus suggests.

"Which one do you have in mind? Industrial? French?" asks Emily.

"New Year's Revolutions."

" _Resolutions_. New Year's Resolutions."

"Mr. Jonah says we have to make revolutions for stuff we want to do next year, because it's going to be a new year tomorrow and we can start over and do things we didn't do this year. He also says we have to kiss people when it's the New Year or else you get turned into a frog."

"I am fairly certain that Mr. Jonah did not say that," Emily says.

"Well, okay, he said the stuff about revolutions but it was Dylan who told everyone about the kissing and she said she wants to kiss Harry from One Direction but she's probably just going to kiss her mom."

"That Dylan sure has her head on her shoulders."

"And then Emma said she also wants to kiss Harry from One Direction and Olivia C. says she wants to kiss Liam from One Direction because he's cuter, and then we asked Mr. Jonah who he was going to kiss and he said probably Lindsey, who is his girlfriend. Then Kaylee said she didn't want to kiss a boy and Mr. Jonah said it's okay for a girl to kiss another girl and I said I think it's a good idea because sometimes boys eat dirt and if you kiss them after they eat dirt then you'll be kissing the dirt and girls don't eat dirt so it's okay to kiss them."

"I don't think it's fair to generalize," Rossi says. "I've certainly never eaten dirt."

"So, Beezus, have you decided who you're going to kiss on New Year's Day?"

"I'm going to kiss _you_ , Mommy," Beatrice tells her, oh that little _shit_. "Because you give the best kisses."

"Then who's Daddy going to kiss?"

"Morgan."

"WHAT?" Rossi nearly slams into the car in front of them as Emily erupts into evil laughter beside him. "Why on earth am I kissing Morgan?"

"Cuz Jack is going to kiss his dad and Henry's going to kiss Auntie Penny and Henry's mom is going to kiss Henry's dad and Spencer's not there. So you have to kiss Morgan."

"I'm not kissing Morgan," Rossi says. "I'm just not."

"Then you'll turn into a frog," Beezus says. She thinks about this a little harder. "And you'll have to eat crickets."

"I'm not kissing Morgan. I will eat crickets if I have to."

Beezus is still pondering the options. "I guess Mommy can kiss _you_ and turn you back into a human."

"Mommy will do that, won't she?" He musters up the most flirtatious smile he can but it's hard. Within the last half hour, he's been accused of being old and threatened with being turned into a frog and forced to kiss Morgan, and suddenly whatever argument he had with Emily earlier seems entirely insignificant.

"Not if you've been eating crickets, I won't."

Beezus nods in understanding. "That's even worse than dirt. Hey, Daddy, maybe your revolution can be to not eat any crickets."

"I think I can manage that," Rossi says, as he finally, finally turns into Garcia's street and finds the last available parking spot. "Not eat any crickets and what else? Not kiss Morgan. Only kiss beautiful women such as my wife and daughter."

"I'll give you a head start on that one," Emily says, reaching over to kiss him. It's not the best kiss they've ever had --- after all, they have to keep it tame in front of the damn kid --- but there will be others, and if he manages to convince Garcia to keep all three kids overnight for a slumber party, he might even get to have that amazing make up sex.

"We're okay?" he asks, breaking the kiss. Beezus is kicking the back of his seat and yelling to be let out.

"As long as you don't eat any crickets."

Emily pats his cheek with her gloved hand and he kisses her again, just because he can.


End file.
